In God's Best Time

A few days ago, I was sharing to my boyfriend how I used to be jealous of this particular couple. This was during college. They looked perfect inside and out without being too much. It literally felt like their relationship was a match made in heaven. Back then I was a bitter kid and wondered how life can be so unfair. There I was, sulking in my own sorrow, silently depressed at some areas of my life. I looked at that couple and asked myself: When would I find someone like that? Will I ever find that kind of love in my lifetime?

Then everything just flashed back. I remembered all the previous relationships I've been through, the petty and the serious ones, the swifties and the ones that lasted for a while. I remembered the swoons and sighs, the tears and heartbreaks. I remember the scars I left behind and the emotional trauma I
went through. How the hell did I survive all of that?

In the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie asks his teacher Mr. Anderson "Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"

To which he replies "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Many times I gave my heart so easily because the feeling of being appreciated after a time of loneliness made me so high and careless. And maybe I was afraid that there was no one else who would love me. I didn't see and appreciate my worth so I settled for something less than I deserved. I was too excited at the prospect of being in love that I forgot how to love myself. I thought that I was gonna be okay despite all the emotional blackmail until I was already suicidal.

Charlie responds to his teacher by asking. "Can we make them know that they deserve more?"

I will always be thankful to my friends who showed me that I deserved more. These were the very few trusted friends who were with me during my breaking point. They were the ones who looked after me, assured me and fought for me, told me the harsh truth, and stayed with me even if I made another mistake. You guys know who you are and thank you. I survived all of that crap because of your emotional support.

I ended the conversation with my boyfriend with a thank you. As cliche as it already sounds, I am grateful that he came in my life at the right time, in God's best time. I was already healing then. I was regaining my strength and confidence. I was more hopeful about the future and its possibilities. But I was about to give up on the idea of ever finding love when he suddenly popped out of nowhere.

Thank you James. Thank you for loving me and my imperfections. I finally found love in this lifetime, a love that would complement me, a love that will lift me up, a love that endures through all struggles. Even if people think we are 'too in love' or baduy, when I am with you I couldn't care less about what the world thinks. Your humor and sensibility makes me happy and secure. I love you, now and always.

By the way, happy 10th monthsary :)