on the Verge of

I used to be a lot more prayerful when I was younger, I think. I was more active in Christian communities and volunteered in many programs then. I was a speaker and leader for many years, preaching the word of God to many students and even parents. Then senior years (4th & 5th) year happened to me in college. I had to lie low, give extra time to my studies, and pave way for younger leaders to take on the stage. That's when my spiritual life and prayer time began to lie low as well. I led a crazy life and made a lot of mistakes I never thought I would be capable of. But I needed to struggle my way out and see myself through it all. Although in the end, I realized I was grateful for all my experiences. I wouldn't be where I'm supposed to be if I hadn't been through all of it. Few years ago, I did try to go back to my previous community. But I realized that it was not my time or place to go back. I would go to masses but sometimes there is a lack of willingness i

I had a deep conversation last night with some ates and kuyas from college. One of them had a fiancé who recently died of brain tumor. We were there to be with him and listen to what happened. Everything was too sudden. He talked about the pain of losing a loved one and not being able to say goodbye to her. Many things were going around my head as we spoke. I was holding back my tears. I was there to listen to him and not to share my own feelings. But the truth was I was really terrified. Last Saturday I had a scheduled check up with my doctor for my thyroid. I spoke previously about my condition in a post a few months ago. Back then my biopsy indicated a suspicion of papillary carcinoma. I was hoping to clarify with the doctor why it was just a suspicion and if there's a way to confrim the said suspicion. In short, I was clinging on to some hope that it could not be cancer. However, my doctor explained that with the biopsy aided by ultrasound, the additional hormone test I t